A familiar friend (or foe really) to all of us.
Lately I’ve been pondering on how expectations cripple us.
As millennial’s we’ve grown up with the subconscious and materialistic ideologies that we tend to get what we want. And this has engrained a pattern of expecting into us.
We expect fast wi-fi, we expect to get payed on payday, we expect the lights to go on, the water to be hot, and so much more. Because, it’s what we’re accustomed too. It’s our every day. It’s our norm.
Which is fine. Coz 2018 is dope. But its when our expectations seep on over into our romantic relationships, that the negatives and frictions can start to seep in.
I grew up reading and consuming fantasy. Anything magical, I was OBSESSED. I loved all the fairy-tales and heroic journeys, where the leading lady wasn’t ever disappointed by the prince and vice versa. It just was. It was effortless, their love was destined and fate had it locked in. And these ideals became engrained in my subconscious and heart.
And I stacked this with societal ideals, of the “ideal” and “perfect” couple, girl, boy, relationship, #goals, and voila, our expectations are firmly cemented in us. And then we get our first boyfriend / girlfriend, our first crush, first love, and we have all these expectations and romantic ideas and they’re usually shattered.
They’re not giving us lots of attention, not texting us back fast, not commenting love heart emojis on our posts, not suggesting what we want them to suggest, not wanting to go and do what we want to do, they don’t like what we like, they don’t show up how you want and need them to show up, they don’t communicate the way you communicate, they don’t love how you love, and you’re like…. consistently disappointed.
And this hurts.
“Life hurts when the mind is full of attachments” – Yung Pueblo.
Because we’re attached to an idea of what a partner or whatever you want to call them, is like. And this is all a figure of our imagination.
We’ve made it all up. We created these expectations, and now project them onto another soul and expect them to meet them. Because “that’s what we want”. And whenever we want something, it’s stemming from our ego.
And that’s what gets hurt. our ego. When our boo doesn’t come through with the expected goods, we feel hurt. We feel disappointed, confused, let down, and what creeps in, doubt.
Doubt creeps in. That we deserve better. That it shouldn’t be like this (all of this is the ego also). And we entertain these thoughts, and create such anxiety and energy around, a make belief scenario that isn’t real.
Our expectations aren’t real. Are they? We live them out in our minds, imagine the outcome or situation, and then attach a feeling and belief that will occur, and PEOW, we’re like “yep, this is what will happen”.
What, just because you thought it would? Can we see how insane this seems. Just because we think it, doesn’t mean it is so.
And I feel, where the biggest disconnect is, is that, when we expect something from someone, not only is it just a void to shield us from an inadequacy of our selves, but it shy’s away from the person being their true selves.
We miss the entire concept of love when we do this.
We’re trying to control them. Trying to get them to fit our mould of what the ideal partner is, we’re not honouring their journey, their evolution, we’re trying to train them to meet our cookie cutter mould of what the ideal partner looks like. We’re not truly experiencing or loving them. We’re putting them at the starting line and saying, “go, run, jump” if you make it to the finish line, you’re rewarded. If you stumble over the hurdles, I’m disappointed, and you lose time and points.
And that’s fucked.
When we place expectations on others, like I said, it’s also to cover up some inadequate part of ourselves, that we need the other person to fill – so we feel fulfilled. Because when people meet our expectations, what happens? We get that dopamine hit, that wave that reassures us we’ve made the right choice, with the right partner, we’re on our “way” to where we want to be. We’re getting everything together, everything’s controlled and the way you want it to go – which, truth bomb, is not how life works.
You’re filling a void. Because you, yourself, is not whole. You’re searching for tests to see if this person can fill your gaps, mesh into one person. And with romantic relationships particularly, we need to be a whole soul. And then we combine our whole soul, with another whole soul, and we have a soul rocking time.
I feel this also really nicely meshes into how, women, we’ve grown up with this power position, in the back lash of the patriarchal society. Our men are raised to be submissive and mouldable – to be the man we want them to be, because we call the shots. Power of the pussy. But this entire establishment is fucked. Just because we’ve got pussy power, doesn’t mean we need to belittle our men to our ideals of attractiveness and mateship. We shouldn’t try to “train” our men to be our idea and expectation of what that encompasses, we need to let them be their own sovereign selves, and we too, be our own wild selves.
So how do we stop fucking ourselves with expectations?
Tune in. Become aware of the expectations you’re placing on your partner (and in life in general, in any type of outcome).
Why even? Like what are these expectations achieving? What’s the void you’re trying to fill by conjuring up these imaginary outcomes?
Is it stemming from feeling like you’re not enough? That it’s disrespectful? Where does this righteousness come from then? Why is your ego expressed in this way? What are you afraid of?
“On my darkest days, just tell me I deserve to be here and that I’m a good person” – Danielle La Porte
Then communicate. Communication is the foundation of relationships and love. We need to speak more, express more, bear our vulnerabilities, be open, show up, be present and speak our truths. And create an environment where both individuals can express themselves, and agree upon the actions to take to suffice both parties. E.g, you don’t want your partner to do something, explain. Explain why. And then come to an agreed decision on how to play it out in the future, like take action. Don’t just marinate in your disappointment and hurt ego.
And, as a never ending endeavour of our lives, doing things for ourselves, loving ourselves, showing up for ourselves, so that we’re able to stand in our essence and love our partners for who they are, and support them, whilst they support you on this rollercoaster of life.
As soon as we place expectations on a future event, not only do we call up anxiety, but we also wander from the present – which is all we have, and can actually control.
ONE LOVE xxxxx